Grief is directly related to attachment and we all have an innate attachment to things and people all around us.  From our family and friends to our colleagues and teachers, from pets and houses, to jobs and careers, we have attachments with these “constants” in our lives and we feel comfort and safety from the familiarity.  As soon as a permanent change or loss occurs, our brains try to sort through what’s happened and often our emotions are the first take over.  Losing someone or something we love and care about can be very painful and we may experience varying emotions. The emotions that we may experience are normal reactions to a significant loss, and can be especially difficult to move through if the loss or change is sudden. There is no right or wrong way to grieve as everyone has their own way to overcome their emotions, but it is important for us to be mindful and know how to cope with our grief in a healthy way so that in time, we can be renewed and move on when the time is right.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to a loss. It’s the emotional suffering that one may feel when something or someone that they love is taken away. This is part of the attachment theory; the more the significant the loss the more intense the grief process may be, but even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, losses can include graduating from college, changing jobs, being laid off from a job, or selling your family home. Most times we associate grief the death of a loved one–which, in most cases, causes an intense type of grief–but there are many other situations that cause people to grieve.  For example:

• Divorce or break-up
• Loss of health
• Job loss
• Loss of financial stability
• A miscarriage
• Retirement
• Death of a pet
• Loss of a cherished dream
• Loved one’s serious illness
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of safety after a trauma
• Selling a family home – or other dramatic life changes

Stages of grief:

In 1969 a psychiatrist by the name of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, introduced what has become known as the “five stages of grief”.  The five stages of grief are based on her studies of patient’s feelings while suffering from terminal illnesses, but these stages have been generalized to other types of  loss in our lives.  In our mourning, we experience different stages depending on the intensity of the loss. The five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order as we often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance from a significant loss. While it is important to understand that we all experience grief differently. These are the five stages Kubler-Ross identified:

1.       Denial and Isolation

The first reaction when learning about significant loss is denial. We often deny the reality of situations as this can help us rationalize our overwhelming emotions. Denial or isolation is used as a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2.       Anger

As with masking the effect of denial and isolation, we most often begin to wear down as reality hits us and the pain re-emerges. We are not ready and the intense emotion makes us vulnerable which may be re-directed and expressed as anger. When going through this stage we must be open to help so do not hesitate to ask your doctor/health care provider to give you extra time to explain about how you may be feeling.

3.       Bargaining

The bargaining stage is the stage where we may feel more vulnerable and as if we need to gain more control. Here are some examples of what one may say when going through this stage:

• “If only we went to the doctor sooner.. “
• “Make this not happen, and I will… “
• “If I only tried being nicer toward them..”

In this stage we secretly make a deal with God or a higher power in an attempt to postpone or rationalize the real situation. This is a weaker source of defense that we may choose to protect ourselves from the painful reality.

4.       Depression

There are two types of depression associated with mourning. Regret and sadness are dominant reactions to the first type of depression. For example, worrying that, in our grief, we spent less time with others that depended on us.  The second type of depression is more subtle and may seem to be more private. It is our quiet time to think about our loss and our way of preparing our acceptance of the event.

5.       Acceptance

Reaching this stage in the grieving process is what we can call a gift. For many, this stage may take a long time to get to but it is an important stage in moving on. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm.

Everyone grieves differently:

Again, it is very important to understand that every individual deals with a loss differently and some may take more or even less time to grieve then others. The situation again differentiates how one may grieve. There can be sudden and significant losses in our life and some of us never see beyond the stages of anger and denial. How a person grieves can depend on many factors including personality, coping style, personal experiences, a person’s faith, and the nature of the loss. It takes time to get over things that may have brought so much importance to us in life. Healing happens gradually and cannot be forced or hurried. There is no specific or “normal” time to grieve. Some people may feel better after a few weeks or even a few months. For others, it may take a process that takes years of grieving.  Another possibility is when grief is compounded–when someone we know or are familiar with, in some way, is lost and it brings up emotions from the past.  This can be completely normal but speaking to someone–a doctor or counsellor–while experiencing this may help.  However a person grieves, it is important to be patient and allow the process to happen naturally.

It’s important to understand the options available to assist you in working through your grief such as talking with trusted family or friends; practicing mindfulness; taking care of your physical health such as eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep; and even seeking professional help such as accessing a counsellor, personal coach, or your health care provider.

Need someone to talk to?  Here are some resources around campus and in the community:

TRU Wellness Centre – Health and Wellness Consultations, health and wellness information

• OM 1479/250-828-5010/Chelsea Corsi – ccorsi@tru.ca/ http://www.tru.ca/wellness.html

TRU Counselling Department – FREE personal, career, and academic counselling

• OM 1631/250-828-5023/http://www.tru.ca/counselling.html

TRU Chaplaincy

• OM 1431/250-371-5940/chaplains@tru.ca

CMHA’s Bounce Back program –  (referral from TRU Wellness Centre, Counselling Department, TRU Health Services, or your family doctor required)

• One-to-one telephone coaching program for those living with stress, mild depression and anxiety, chronic health challenges, etc.
• http://www.cmha.bc.ca/how-we-can-help/adults/bounceback

 Sources :

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617